Saturday, February 9, 2008

My Biggest Problem

I've been having a lot of internal struggles lately, some of which I've made public. My battle with depression is an ongoing one, complete with all the ups and downs that everyone who deals with depression experiences. My struggle with my weight has so far been losing battle, but I think, with lots of support, that it isn't insurmountable.

There's another fairly major internal struggle I've been facing, and it comes down to one thing: I don't trust God enough.

I think the majority of my personal struggles can really be summed up in a lack of trust. Phrasing it that way opens my eyes to my own limitations and sinful nature. I am selfish and arrogant, and think that I can handle anything life throws at me all by myself, thank-you-very-much. Be it depression, unhealthy lifestyles, financial difficulties, or struggling to conceive, I somehow think, deep down, that if I can just figure out what to do and how to do it, the problems will be solved.

A mindset like this is a perfect path to disappointment, unfulfillment, dissatisfaction, and dismay. I can't do it on my own. I can't figure it out on my own. I can't even figure out the next step to take on my own. Because you know what? I was never meant to do it on my own.

When God created us, He didn't make us perfectly capable. There are some things we just plain can't do. Instead we are to do the best we can, and constantly seek His will and His guidance through prayer and study. We are to TRUST GOD.

And if I can manage to do that, instead of trusting my incompetent self, I'll be much better off.


Queen B said...

I understand what you are saying. So many times I turn to God when my brilliant plans have not worked out. Or when my fix to the situation didn't work. Wouldn't I have been smarter to just trust Him from the start?

The amazing part is that God is waiting for us, even when we've not been faithful to him. I truly cannot fathom the depth of His love for us.

Thanks for the post.

Nichole said...

Thanks for sharing that, Jeni.

Sandi said...

Jeni, you are not the only one who struggles with trust in God. Thank you for being transparent and willing to work on trusting Him more!

Michelle said...

Thank you so much for your post. I struggle with many of the same things that you mentioned (okay, all of them!!) It is nice to know that I am not alone.

carrie said...

I, like you have had the same struggles. I have to remind myself daily that I can't do it on my own. I still fall on my face many times because I did not put my faith in Him. You are in my prayers as you focus on trusting in Him. Thnak you for opening up and sharing your true struggles!